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Fear - it holds us back and we create it. WE CREATE IT! How insane is that? Our mind, based on past experiences, tells us we can’t move forward because we’re not enough, we’re too old, too dumb, too slow… You name it, we say it. Growth is the most uncomfortable process because we have to face fears and take a leap of faith into the unknown – story of my life. Know what I’m sayin?
I can feel when change is about to happen: my heart feels like it is going to explode out of my chest; my skin crawls as if I’m about to shed in a snake like rebirth. I literally feel like I could rip my chest open and walk out of my old self. Change is the most uncomfortable experience for me - I fear it, I resist it. Resistance is futile, a lesson I get the concept of but still can’t quite grasp.
The way I resist change may be similar or different to the way others do. When I resist change, I talk down to myself. I beat myself up and tell the stories I’ve created in order to stay within my comfort zone. My favorite story seems to be “I’m not smart enough.” I don’t even know where that came from but it’s in the back of my mind when I start to change and move towards growth. I will say “I am not enough.” I am my own captor; I am creating my own demise.
It’s during this time, when my body aches from the resistance of growth and my mind spins with fear that I know change is upon me. I know I am taking a deeper step into my purpose – a deeper step onto my path. My roots painfully grow and my mind matures as I listen to the words my body is whispering. It sucks, it’s beautiful and I fear it.
I fear moving forward. I fear the unknown. My fear doesn’t stop me for long. I will bitch, moan, cry and complain until I suck it up and accept the present landscape. My thoughts show me what I am made of when I face them. When I say “eff this. I’m going to get up and get moving.” Life doesn’t wait for me. Time does not forgive; time is precisions – too precious to waste on fearful thoughts that keep me from my path.
A year ago, I decided to leave someone I loved with my being; I left someone I learnt how to be my best self beside. I ended a relationship with someone I had a soul contract with. Our relationship was far from perfect and there was a lot of disconnect with ideologies and passions, but the love ran deep. I made up my mind on a drive back from Calgary. I knew I could no longer sacrifice my growth to be beside someone – love was not strong enough to keep me there.
Weeks before I said the words “I don’t want to be with you anymore,” I couldn’t sleep in the same bed. I had so much guilt because I knew I had to leave, I knew how much I loved him and I knew how loved I was. My heart hurt with the fear of leaving him, of walking out on a beautiful life I had helped create but my fear of staying was even greater. In this instance, fear became my motivator. The fear was of not living the life I was meant to, of not recognizing my true self.
To live in my truth, I had to courageously get real with myself. I held my head up high as I crashed to my knees in fits of tears. I chose to be vulnerable with myself and feel everything I was going through. I was raw with emotion and did not hide it. The relationship itself and the breakup were my biggest teachers and biggest challenges to self love. My lesson was to embrace change and fear by choosing to love myself above all else. I picked up the broken pieces and held them close until I understood the lessons. Owning the pain of change allowed me to look in the mirror and shout the words “I love you!”
Change brings self growth and understanding. Change helps me see what I am made of and wakes up the wild woman goddess inside me. I am fortunate to see most of my lessons with change. I still resist like crazy but I am getting better at seeing this resistance because I observe my thoughts and listen to my body. I believe it is the choice to face change or not that puts us on our true path. The decisions I have made are mine. Owning my shit has brought growth. Fearful or not, life is too damn special for me to sit back and let change stop me because I’m afraid. I am learning what I am made of – it isn’t sugar and spice and everything nice; it’s raw, gritty and fierce. I am a woman who follows my heart, not what society wants of me. Bring it! I am ready. I will face it. I will conquer this life because that is what I am meant to do.
- Mel -
Let's change our story, starting with the definition of fear. Conquer fear from within.
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